Music and Memories

The other day, I encountered Colbie Caillat’s song “Bubbly” for the first time in many years. I have a very vivid memory of listening to it in the car on a snowy winter day. I was bundled up all cozy, so in love, and manic. A woman in a heavy coat and mittens waved at me as I drove past, smiling, and I waved back. It felt like a sign of some kind. Everything did.

He loved winter, and I’d begun to love it, too, even in his absence. It felt like I was surrounded by his energy at all times, coming from every direction, like a tangible embrace.

That was before the eventual fallout of realizing he wasn’t coming back this time, when the bubble burst, and the mania turned against me.

I didn’t fall apart when I heard the song again, though I did wonder if it was possible to feel that blissed out while still grounded in reality. Maybe it isn’t.

It wasn’t a healthy relationship overall.

Both of us were guilty of disingenuous communication. He was very verbally direct about not wanting a serious relationship, but his behavior consistently contradicted his words.

I was prone to extreme vulnerability with him, trying to help him feel secure enough to open up in turn– a tactic which only hurt me in the end. Otherwise, I’d try over and over again to reel him back in, convinced in some squirrely part of my brain that this time might be different. Spoiler alert: it never was.

Why am I meditating on all this today? Well, I recently had a chat on a dating app with someone adjacent to him, in some ways.

It’s funny because ever since he and I had been involved, it’s almost always a guarantee that a guy who reminds me of him in some ways, will match with me on dating apps/sites.

Lately, the narrative has been either a match but no conversation, or else conversation that leads nowhere.

This time, however, dude wanted to meet. He also wasn’t looking for anything serious, but was willing to entertain me while I pursued love with other people. Chiseled, beautiful, 6’1”, and a snowboarder, as the guy from my past had been (though he had been taller).

This time, it was me who bowed out.

I’m grateful to know that I still have that kind of guy, that sort of arrangement, as an option, but at least for now, it’s not quite what I’m looking for.

It seems too risky given that I could fall for the one who’s not interested and then never fully attach to anyone else I meet (as happened before).

SO… I’m grateful for memories, both good and bad. I’m grateful that I learned a greater capacity for love.

I’m grateful for music, for helping remind me of the touchstone moments in my life, and for illustrating how much I seem to have grown, in becoming more authentic with myself and others.

I’m also mindful that everyone’s free to make their own decisions about their love lives, and that sometimes love has nothing to do with it (and that’s totally okay).

Most of all, I’m grateful for the love I already have in my life, in whatever forms it takes. Maybe it doesn’t always feel like enough. Maybe it isn’t exactly what I would ask for if the decision was 100% mine to make. Still, I think it’s what I presently need.

Going to keep working on myself and on further developing my friendships and mapping out my life, engaging in creativity, and so on. That’s all I really can do.

I still hit some VERY low lows, like the one I had this past Saturday night. I suppose they’re not completely avoidable; maybe with progress, they won’t be quite as deeply depressive.

Just had a great online session with my nurse practitioner. Gotta call in for more appointments. Gonna take care of that and then figure out what to do with the rest of my day.

Who knows? Maybe I’ll listen to Ariana Grande’s “thank u, next” and reflect some more on forward progress from past lessons.

Hope you rock your Monday!