Mermaids and Magic

Just received some pillows I ordered from Red Bubble. I’m waiting for a replacement pillow insert for the mermaid pillow. There’s an older, kind of squished pillow I had lying around, inside of it, now, until I get a bigger, fresher one. I read online that you’re supposed to get your throw pillow inserts up to two inches bigger than the pillowcase so the pillow looks plump! Did not know that!

Here are the other two pillows:

The round one with the black cat on it, I had already. That one I found at the grocery store, of all places, a few Halloweens ago.

I also ordered myself some stickers and a coffee mug. I charged it all, which maybe wasn’t SUPER smart of me, but I wanted a refresh in the worst way. The throw pillows I had on the couch were very old and had been well-loved. AND I really wanted the coffee mug. It’s black with very bold 70’s-style kind of bubbly script and a graphic of a pink disco ball, and says, “Too much panic, not enough disco.” I feel this is a fair summary of my life LOL.

I did eventually end up having to go to Urgent Care for my back. The immediate day after I last posted, or so, it got worse again. But I got some good medication to help loosen up the tissue and some stretching and strengthening exercises for it that seem to be helping so far. I had hoped to avoid going in to see the doctor altogether; at least a quick trip through Urgent Care beats spending hours in the ER in the middle of the night, like I might have had to do had I gone in immediately.

They said to consult with someone on a follow-up basis if it doesn’t get better and see about doing physical therapy for it again, as I had in the past, if needed.

Super thankful that I was able to get the pain addressed and have some time off to recover a bit.

In other news, I find myself once more (albeit half-heartedly, this time) looking for signs from the universe in random snippets of conversation and song lyrics. I even tried a one-card Tarot reading on the Façade website, last night. It was kind of a funny response to my question. Funny-ironic, I mean. The essence of it was, stop looking for answers outside of yourself. You already know the answer. You just don’t want to admit it. All the truth you need, you’ll find within yourself.

I was asking what sort of an approach I should take toward romantic love; that was the conscious focus of my query. Underlying that, though, I think I was harboring hope of reconciliation with someone from the past. I don’t think that’s meant to be.

I recently saw an inspiring meme that read, “You have yet to meet all the people you will love.” Going to try to take that to heart and focus on the present and being in the moment, rather than trying to revive old passions. Just because it feels like a rare fluke when I truly fall in love, doesn’t mean it won’t happen again.

And once more, I’m trying to redirect my energy toward caring for myself and my living space, as well as my friends and family.

I just miss the sugar-rush bliss of someone new, and after that, having someone to share my random thoughts and adventures with. And the comfort of being held, hearing someone else’s heartbeat.

BUT meanwhile I have manifold ambitions! I’m still waiting for feedback on several literary magazine submissions. I also recently wrote a letter about my mental health issues.

That one, I didn’t address to a persona. Maybe I didn’t want to give the illness that much power, turning it into its own person. The reflection on it felt healthy, even if I couldn’t be thankful for all the ways it’s impacted me and my loved ones. I can imagine it must have been terrifying for my daughter to be around me when I lost touch with reality, not knowing what it might take for me to come back to her, or if I even would.

She and my family also said that after one of my hospitalizations, I came out with a totally different personality. I’m not sure if that was when the anxiety got a leg up on me? She used to say she missed the old Mom but eventually lost track of the differences.

For my part, I remember myself as having been bubblier, though also prone to anger when I lost patience, and forever engaged in a mad flurry of creativity. Painting, trying out new recipes, creative writing, collaging, you name it.

Maybe I was living in a bubble of hypomania. There’s no way of knowing now, either way. I do still get hot streaks of creativity, but life seems less sparkly than it once did.

That, I suppose, is the main reason for this blog– to restore the sparkle to my eyes, or at least reckon with the current state of my life in a grateful way, as best I can, if I can’t get back to that former outlook (without the anger issues).

Realistically, I’ve been making cookies, and writing, and blogging. I can try some more visual art, too, maybe later today. At least a sketch or something. I’ve got plenty of pages left to complete in my Lora Zombie sketchbook.

So, to quote the movie Almost Famous, “It’s all happening.”

Alright, with that, it’s nigh on time for making breakfast. Have a great day!