Dark Academia Forest Night

According to Spotify, that’s my vibe tonight, until just after midnight anyway. “You listened to dark and lycanthropic at night. Here’s some: dark academia, forest, witchy, hipster, autumn, and dramatic.”

Kinda leaning into that groove a little.

I had a pretty upbeat day overall but then a very emotional early evening. In a healthy way, I think, but definitely feeling all the feels.

First, I opened a package that had arrived today– a signed collection of poetry, While I Wait to be a God Again, by Don Martin. When I ordered my signed copy direct from the author via etsy, I left him a note stating that I already owned a copy but was so excited to have one signed that I was buying a second one. As I told him, I plan to give my existing unsigned copy to a local bookstore.

I hadn’t asked for any special personalization in my copy, but he wrote an inscription with my first name, thanking me for loving the poems twice. I was so happy, I cried.

Then I hopped onto social media and found out today marked the 30th anniversary of Kurt Cobain’s death.

Some cursory searching led me to a CNN article quoting his daughter Frances Bean Cobain’s Instagram post about her father.

Whenever his death came up in conversation somehow, my daughter always saw it from the perspective of a surviving loved one, not someone depressed enough to give up on life. Given my own mental health struggles, I related more to her father and what his motivations might have been (unless you buy into theories that something nefarious happened and that it wasn’t his idea at all… I’ve yet to dive into that rabbit hole, but I’m planning to study up on biographies and the journals starting tomorrow).

Today, I read his daughter’s words instead, and watched home movie footage of the two of them together. She addressed the occasion and any followers who might be coping with similar grief, with eloquence and compassion.

I’ll admit I don’t listen to Nirvana as much as I did growing up; however, when I was in the middle of a really chaotic manic high and the doctors were at a loss as to how to bring me down, I remembered the song “Lithium” and thought to ask for it when a psychiatrist asked me if I had any ideas.

These days, I take other medications; at the time, that prescription brought me back down to earth in a big mother-effing way, when I needed it most. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have been able to be there for my daughter. She was less than two years old when I was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

My diagnosis has evolved a bit, too, but single parenting with a mental illness was very difficult both on me and my child. I’ll never regret having her in my life, but I’m not sure if I would have had kids at all, knowing more about my mind and its intricacies ahead of time.

She even once told me that growing up with my parents might have been “stabler,” which perhaps is true.

For all the downs, I did my best to offer up some magical ups. Birthdays were big high points for us both, and we attended midnight movies in costume (as well as a midnight book release). We played complex PC games together, solving mysteries and fighting mythological creatures.

I had been collecting children’s books for my own enjoyment (the art, the narratives) and supplemented that part of our library after she was born, reading to her often.

There were times I dropped the ball, but I did my best with the circumstances presented to me, and my own very real limitations.

I guess this annual anniversary brings all these issues to the forefront for me. Also, she’s traveling for a wedding right now, and technically much geographically closer than usual. Sadly, there’s no practical way for us to get together until potentially this summer, and those plane tickets still need to be paid for. I’m trying to stay positive about all that, though, and remember that summer is right around the corner.

I also saw someone talking to their toddler today in a way that for some reason triggered a specific wave of longing to see her, maybe a bit of missing times gone by.

I cried an awful lot with all this going on. So yeah, dark academia forest night, it is.

It felt really healing to let the tears flow. I’m not sure if I let myself cry as often as I should. I definitely have a lot of emotion hanging out, bottled up. Gotta work on that. Feel those feels. It would probably help all my creative efforts, too, even if that’s a secondary benefit. I know I cried a bit after creating my last painting.

OH… that’s something else I can share– the painting is going to be featured in an art show. I have to remember to have it wired for hanging. Meant to pack it up today to drop off after work and forgot. But the art store will be open tomorrow, too, as will the library, for book-cruising. I just need to get up and out in time, if I want to do both.

I cropped the image of the painting (The Seeker) a little bit to get rid of excess background behind it, but you get the main idea.

SUPER excited about the art show. I can’t wait to meet the other artists and see what all else was selected for the exhibit.

AND the eclipse is coming on Monday. I have a set of glasses all set. I’ll be working, but I generally get a lunch break or a 15 near the time it’s supposed to peak. So I should be able to step out for a moment. I can always ask to get my lunch at 2 and my 15 at noon to maximize viewage, too.

And I managed once again to psych myself up to get groceries as an alternative to a late night run through drive-thru. Even picked up the limited edition space-themed Oreos as a treat. They have popping candy inside the cream (think Pop Rocks, but generic).

So we had some wins. I meditated before work, as well, in my car.

I also figured out how to save my “day list” playlists in their entirety, so I won’t have to lose another one, like I did the Lilith one. Tonight’s is pretty rad, I gotta say!

Alright, sushi calls.

One last public domain photo to capture the essence of the evening… Might make myself some tea in a moment, after sushi. May the remainder of your evening be magical, and may the mysticism of the night carry over into tomorrow.