Anxie(tea)

HA the better question is, what doesn’t make me nervous?

That list is a WHOLE LOT SHORTER.

I’m not sure if my flavor of anxiety ever received its own diagnosis, but I take something for it. And my idealized comfort zone, as I know I have said before, is my bed. That’s where I’m the most relaxed.

Meditation helps a lot. I was following a 90 day challenge but fell off the wagon. Got back on only to find out the content would soon be taken down, and I’m struggling against my own feelings about that, in order to use it now. Silly though that may sound.

I’m at least fairly comfortable in the living room, listening to music or streaming something, maybe blogging here, or flitting about on social media. But my bed is where it’s at.

Trying to break out of that and find joy and comfort in new places. Reading more at the library versus just at home.

Met a friend at a restaurant tonight for dinner. That was good too. I was a bit jittery around her given recent events in her life kinda spilling over and bringing back bad memories… but that’s not my story to tell.

It’s funny… I don’t generally feel nervous about sharing myself in writing, but verbal interactions feel very charged.

OH the art show: I needed to swap out my outfit last minute, and that really threw me off. I had such a cute look planned!

Various factors conspired to result in my having a massive anxiety attack when I should have been chillin’ and getting ready for the event. I wasn’t even able to drive when it was time to go and had to get a ride. Rather humiliating. Or humbling, depending on your perspective.

So I wasn’t in a great frame of mind to mingle once I got there. I just barely socialized, but I suppose I get credit for that, right? Got some intel on future opportunities to show my work. That’s a plus. Saw some VERY cool art!

No one came in support of me apart from my parents, which was also kind of disappointing. I suppose I could’ve asked people one by one instead of just sharing the event more than once, though I did talk to people at work about it and tell them where the gallery was. But none of my local peeps could make it.

I’ve been missing my daughter a lot lately, and she’s never been to a single show I’ve been in, so far as I remember, because they all happened after she moved away. She did come with to help pick up a piece that I had shown, when she was visiting. But it was no longer on display by then.

This whole empty nesting phenomenon is definitely beyond my comfort zone. It’s a lot. Some of that is on me, but I feel like it’s a big deal to have your kid 1000 miles away and only seeing them once a year, all of a sudden. Even if I was completely “well-adjusted” (whatever that means), I think that would still be tough.

But I’m trying.

Last night felt next to impossible, and the questionnaire I answered for my therapist today literally flagged an online prompt to call their office immediately. Safety concerns. I was at work, however, on my lunch break, with just a couple minutes left. Fear not– I have an appointment in a couple days.

So yeah. Lots of anxiety and depression.

On the plus side, I am trying a new-to-me flavor of Chex Mix since they were out of my stand-by Buffalo blend (dunno if it’s still a thing). And it’s pretty freaking tasty. Zesty Taco, I think?

BUT I must away to clean up after the cat, and make some tea, because looking at that pic has me craving some lol…

Also, been diggin’ X-Men 97. Finally got all caught up as of yesterday. I’m not sure if I saw the entire run of the original animated series, but I did watch it regularly, when it was first out… *cough* I’m old enough to say that.

I suppose we should wrap up with some gratitude before I get to cleanin.

Especially thankful for the friend I messaged last night, and for the adventure of the art show, anxious as I was. And for the resident cat. She needs me, and keeps an eye out. Ugly crying scares her off, but she checks up on me after.

One last related note… here’s some cat themed art I made back in 2007. I’m hoping to get some prints made of some of my older stuff, as it’s been in storage, and isn’t in the best shape anymore to sell in its original form, or even to display, at this point. But we will see. Meow!