Coping Skills

Today has been a bit bumpy. I was doing so-so but went downhill fast over something trivial. I was overreacting. I knew I was overreacting, even as I verbalized to myself things in support of my irrational conclusions, just for the release.

I had a whole ass meltdown over not hearing back from someone when I knew they were awake and using the internet and likely also their phone. Because I had been left to wait. Deprioritized.

Then, Pinterest sent me a phone background image of rippling water with the phrase, “You’re alone, kid. You always have been,” and it felt like a sign.

Even though I had been chatting with a long-distance friend just before that.

Even though another friend in Illinois messaged back in response to a meme I had sent her, about the heightened status of poets in Ancient Ireland. Apparently it had made her day. Or so it seemed.

First, I indulged myself a bit by crying, which actually felt pretty good.

Then, I deleted the text conversation so I wouldn’t be tempted to reread any of it and check my messages and overanalyze and wait for a response or the dread notice that I’d been left on read.

That didn’t feel preventative enough, so I ultimately turned off my phone.

I didn’t give up technology altogether, though. I have Spotify going on my PC, headphones plugged in. And I made the graphic you see on Canva. And I’m sharing this with you now.

I should shower. I thought about including that in the graphic, but I wasn’t sure if I would be up to actually doing it today or not. And I didn’t want to lie.

OH I think I put my new eensy metallic silver dragon toy loose in the grocery bags… I should probably check on that, so it doesn’t get lost. It’s a tiny thing. Easily misplaced. But adorable. And dragons weren’t even shown as one of the possible prizes from the machine. Surprise!

Dragon successfully rescued.

And I have food for the next couple days, so I can take it easy on my time off. AND I will have some clean clothes prepped for the work weekend.

I know things like grocery runs and laundry don’t necessarily sound like what one might imagine as self-care, but they are to me. Caring for future you. Making sure you can feed and dress yourself comfortably.

I actually did the deep breathing to a Nirvana song that popped up on the playlist, which made me a little sad, thinking about Kurt Cobain. But that was okay, too. I nearly started to cry again but pulled out of it. Very fragile today, I guess.

And the tea was delicious. Black tea with citrus and orange spice, and an herbal vitamin C tea, all with lemon juice and clover honey.

Time will tell how much longer I can stand being disconnected from my phone. Not that I even entirely unplugged per se, since I’m on here. But still.

Just feeling very sensitive.

Next steps? Cold water to drink and maybe that shower. I’m sure it would help. I’m just so fatigued. It feels like I’m being weighed down by sand. But hydrating may help. I don’t think I’ve had any straight-up water as yet today. Oops! That’s important.