TLDR: Kind of a venting post. If that isn’t something you’re up for, it’s totally okay to let this one pass you by. I get it. Might not interest you, or you might not have the mental bandwidth at the moment. Been there.
Much love! More of your regularly-scheduled shenanigans to come, possibly as early as tomorrow proper, sometime (right now being only very technically post-midnight tomorrow).
EDIT TO ADD:
Just about done with this post, but I’m hopping back up to the beginning to share the playlist I had going while writing it. One of the songs has some trigger potential, I imagine. It’s a playlist I made to encapsulate an extremely rocky former relationship. Still good to help me feel the feels, when I need to. Not about him anymore, just in general.
I strolled around Pexels browsing abstract images. That one spoke to me. It looks a little like it’s on fire, even though I think it’s actually paint. Felt appropriate.
I’m incredibly hurt and incredibly angry. And it seems like everyone actually in my life has heard enough about it. I just feel like a massive inconvenience to everyone. They’re all just trying to redirect me toward the positive, and toward potential, practical, if albeit imperfect, possible “solutions.”
I have no idea when I will see my daughter again. There’s a good chance the EARLIEST possible would be 2026. After I have another round of tax return money. And even that wouldn’t pay for a whole ass plane ticket. I’d have to scrape up money beyond that.
I tried really, really, really hard to set aside a few hundred recently, a fair chunk from every paycheck. And my state return, from taxes. Then, I fell behind on bills and couldn’t catch up, and I needed $30 probiotics for the cat, and groceries. A girl’s gotta eat. And the cat won’t keep putting healthy weight back on if she’s sick.
I’ve been employing digital and paper coupons like a madwoman, and paying attention to in-store specials, which has helped. I think in the mail, I have scored no fewer than three free pints of Ben and Jerry’s. Lil sweet treats. Everything else still costs something, however.
May look into food banks, assuming I’m not even slightly over the income limit. That was one of the ideas presented by a friend.
Getting back to my point… No one else is saving toward a trip home for kiddo, even though they said they could/would. Maybe nobody’s fault. Life is expensive. But it’s still extremely frustrating.
And I don’t know if *I* can take that much off the top of my checks anymore, since I’m heading to the point of struggling to pay for basic necessities.
Yes, I just bought a $10 book. But it felt essential. Sometimes I buy inexpensive-ish books as a way to keep myself around. Gotta live long enough to read it. Just read the ebook, but I could easily give that one a reread.
My blog here is paid up for the next year, so it’s still “look ma, no ads.” That went through before I had any idea how dire everything was about to become.
Let’s face it, the toenail fungus ads are positively disgusting. Which may be intentional. Who wouldn’t want to pay to have those removed?
And I imagine I will keep some luxuries.
Canva Pro? Probably. I use it to make book covers. I don’t think you even get access to the ebook templates with the free version. Not even the blank ones. I could be wrong, but having Pro gives you a lot more choices to work with.
Feels like I’ve been getting better at ebook cover creation. Pretty proud of how the last two that I just put up for sale, had turned out. Therapist liked them, too!
I already said in my last post, that I’m thus far hanging onto Spotify and Prime. I’m still behind on the last season of The Boys. Accidentally read a MAJOR season finale spoiler and have been giving it time for me to forget most of the details. I think I’m probably good there, at this point.
I still in my superstitious mind, think that by unknowingly spoiling the Jack Sparrow/ Elizabeth Swann kiss for some of my online friends (because I believed we’d all seen it by then), that I developed “spoiler karma.”
Some of them were rather hostile about my error.
Ever since, I have run into what seems to be more than my fair share of unwitting spoilers. I realize that’s quite irrational. Still. Superstitions persist.
Maybe it isn’t anyone’s conscious fault that my life just became a whole lot more complicated in some ways. But I’m still extremely upset, and few of my typical cheer-me-up things seem to be doing as much heavy lifting as I really need right now. I guess that’s probably depression.
I’m grappling with the looming reality of even more time alone (which even with some solitary hobbies can be a big threat to my mental wellness). Less freedom to spend time with friends. No transportation to meet up with them. Funds for activities, also in short supply.
I’ve been very hesitant to extend my day-job hours beyond a certain threshold because the last time I was revving up toward nearly full-time (at one point I had as many as four part-time jobs), I had a series of VERY, very severe breakdowns. Lots of time in and out of various institutions. All of that led to professional burned bridges, because of my erratic behavior.
My retail record is relatively clear of all of that, even if there were a couple jobs where I realistically wasn’t yet well enough to be back in a working environment. Mania had convinced me otherwise.
I would hate to repeat all of that with some kind of unforgivable incident at my current job, where anyone calling for references or to confirm work history would possibly be told I was no longer eligible for rehire.
But I’m in a funny gray area of what I can and cannot handle, which seems to amount to me being too well so far to get on disability, and more recently, making just enough money not to get paid health insurance benefits.
That’s something else I’m in the middle of. I keep getting stuck on questions in the Marketplace questionnaire. I have a phone number I can call for assistance. Will follow up as soon as I can. Hopefully, Monday (day after tomorrow…. technically, it’s been “tomorrow” for over 15 minutes, but I don’t consider a day over until I’ve slept).
Everything has just been A LOT.
It’s still of the essence that I get benefits arranged for next month, so I can keep getting my meds, and attend my virtual therapy, etc. I’ve been waking up haggard and not up to much more than prepping for work. I get intellectually that I’m skirting self-sabotage there, but it’s still really REALLY freaking hard to get moving lately.
And yet, there are always vampires.
I didn’t add to my latest work in progress yesterday and haven’t poked at it yet tonight. It’s already late. But I do have tomorrow off. So. No rush in getting to bed? We’ll see.
I’ve been listening to music and crying. Maybe that’s what I really needed tonight. Just to let it out, without digging my heels in and just complaining and complaining, to everyone. I suppose you could interpret this post as complaining? Hopefully, I’ve been more reasonable than that, and have tried to consider my own flawed perspective. I guess that’s subjective, to the reader.
This may not be the kind of post anyone really wants to see. I’m hesitant to share it, since it’s quite a bit more personal than most of what I have here.
I suppose I could just delete it and see it as an exercise in Zen temporality.
But I think I will take a chance.
Generally, I don’t see much in the way of comments. If for any reason anyone does choose to say something about this entry, please be kind. Life is hard enough already without facing any additional, unnecessary negativity.
If any of y’all HAVE read this far and are also struggling, I wish you, as well, some gentle light in the darkness.
Any Sleep Token fans in the crowd? Kiddo sent me a few texts asking, “But do you know who does love you? I love you. And Vessel. Vessel loves you.”
I’m sure in the grander sense, performer to audience, that’s probably true.
Even if it isn’t, bless his voice, and his abs.
All the Bright and Sparkly Things 
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