Photo for tax. Something from Pexels that struck me as adjacent to Type O Negative vibes. No idea what other context I could have shared it in, so, here it is.
I’ve thought about this a lot. I think I even answered this question before, since it seems like the prompts cycle over and over. But we’ll try to tackle it from a fresh angle tonight.
There were always a lot of other Michelles, at the mall, when someone was calling out to their daughter, and I would think it was my mom, looking for me. In Girl Scouts. At school.
I wasn’t a fan of having such a common name, especially as I got older.
That was probably a big factor in why I chose to name my daughter Allura, after my misunderstanding of the character Elora, from the 80’s fantasy movie Willow. Perhaps because the grass is always greener, SHE on the other hand longed for a “normal” name, especially attending a Catholic grade school (since we had a bad experience at our local public school, and that was the only alternative)…and once she started retail.
Her name got her a LOT of attention. Had she been me, that would have been fine. She is a Leo, and she does enjoy attention to a point. But she didn’t appreciate customers commenting on it over and over throughout her cashier shifts, or the one guest who seemed so delighted by the novelty of it that they used it over and over again. “Okay, Allura, we’re gonna just leave this here and come back for it later. Don’t Allura it away on us.” About something on one of the shelves.
So bizarre.
She’s Ally when she orders takeout, and used that alias at a call center job that didn’t require legal first names. Now, I think, she doesn’t have that choice. Hopefully, she’s adjusted for the most part. I guess she at least doesn’t HATE it anymore.
Honestly, yes, it would be her right to change it, but whether or not it’s fair, I would be hurt.
About my more commonplace name: I did reconcile myself in time. There’s “Michelle” by The Beatles. A classmate in high school French would sing parts of it to me in the halls, until it became blatantly obvious I wasn’t interested back. Even as a teenager, I wanted complicated, messy people. He looked up the translation to the French portion of the lyrics and was so disappointed it’s just a repetition of the English parts.
I also saw an Instagram reel of Axl Rose talking about the inspiration behind Guns n Roses’ “My Michelle.” Which doesn’t really suit me anymore, but I had my wild days. Anyway, in the reel, he said something like, “I really hate that f***ing b*****.” I was incredibly amused. Immediately sent it to my bestie, and we both laughed.
The Guns n Roses song inspired the title of my mental health memoir (You Just Can’t Tell). It comes from one of their lyrics. But yeah, Guns n Roses made it cool, I think. That, and a former crush and close friend associating me with that song.
More recently heard “Fly High Michelle” which sounded like it was about suicide. That, I found a little disturbing. Especially since Spotify was like, hey, you might like this.
I told my bestie about my mixed feelings toward “Michelle” and having always wanted an unusual first name, instead. She reassured me it would never be too late. I think I’d feel like a poser if I changed it. But something more intriguing and mysterious would be a lot of fun. I always had a great time coming up with screen names and usernames, especially when chat rooms were a big thing.
Just now, I was flipping through my 1992 (!!!) copy of 20,001 Names for Baby, perusing all the female-coded names, beginning from the back of the alphabet, to see if any stood out.
Actually, first I started in the M’s, now that I think about it, to at least keep my initials the same, since I like that they spell “Mae” or “ME.” I have in the past signed paintings as “MAE.”
If my name was Mae it would be like I was a single-name persona, like Madonna.
And Mae West was pretty groovy.
Mab also stood out, for its association with the fey. And Maeve may have been one of its variations. I rather liked that, too.
There was a music performer known as Zola Jesus. Not sure if they’re still a thing? Zola is kind of a fun name, but that might feel like copying. Maybe even more than Mae, since Mae West was from another generation, completely.
Trinity is pretty, but it’s tied heavily into Catholicism, probably more than to The Matrix, even if there are also pagan deities with multiple aspects. I like the way it sounds. I think there was at least one Trinity at my daughter’s grade school.
Star, or Storm, or Summer are all kind of fun.
“Star” brings with it the tie to the character from The Lost Boys.
Skye? I like that too.
Lots of rather hippie names in the “S” section. Even if Skye is actually the name of a Scottish island, not a direct reference to the sky.
So I had a completely different thought.
If I stuck with my existing last name, which means angel (maybe a funny thing that I hung onto it post-divorce, if I don’t identify as a member of any of the Abrahamic religions… but I like to think angel energy transcends religion)… what if I picked an angel first name?
I found one I love the sound of, and at least according to Wikipedia (not reliable, I am aware), it’s associated with night. But also conception and pregnancy? Yes, I am a mom, but would I want that all wrapped up by my first name? Nonetheless, how pretty is “Lailah?” I really like the spelling, too. Not so different from Layla, and so on. But so gorgeous.
Otherwise maybe a feminization of Nithael. Nithaelle?
Sabriel is lovely too.
Sarathiel. Sariel. Interesting.
Not sure how you’d pronounce it, but if I wanted something distinctly gothy, Saureil is associated with death. I think French pronunciation of it would be like “so-ray,” but it’s not a French word.
Also just saw something about “Wormwood” being a Christian angel of War? That caught my eye, since it’s also an herbal ingredient in Absinthe. The potency of it in the liqueur may be significantly weaker compared to days of yore, but it’s still in there.
I had someone unfairly use my first name in anger tonight, and that felt really, really bad. I’m still very sensitive to any kind of yelling or talking down to. I was shaky at first then almost cried later on when something else was said, confrontationally.
That alone rather made me wish all over again that my name were different, just to erase having heard it spoken so. But I am still Michelle.
That reminds me of that scene in Lord of the Rings (God, I am such a nerd), where Galadriel goes power-mad upon being offered The One Ring then collects herself, and says she will remain Galadriel, and diminish.
I remember the diminish part, but I’ll admit I don’t feel like Googling that, as well. It has been a long time since I last watched any of the LOTR movies. At one point, we had them all uncut on DVD. I enjoyed them but also found them rather depressing, and eventually sold the box sets to a used DVD & games store. Kiddo was very displeased. She used to watch them now and then before school. It was hard to tear her away to get her into the car!
So, yes, I will likely remain Michelle, memories of me diminishing over time.
I hope the ripples I’ve sent outward have been mostly good. Exes would likely dispute that. I’ve had a very messy and complicated love life. But again, messy and complicated partners.
Honestly, I’m pretty messy and complicated, myself. It just doesn’t always show. I can mask with the best of them, to a point, especially in a workplace setting, then have a meltdown at home, or just cease being functional in various ways. I would say the bulk of my energy goes into whatever job I have at the time, and my creative and self-expressive pursuits, as coping mechanisms.
Not a lot of room for anything else.
Friends, I suppose, and family. Lots of meme-sharing. But that feels on par with self-expression, as an extension of my use of social media.
Anyway.
Drifting back to the topic at hand: There’s my online handle Mizzieshizznell, and its variations, Mizzy or Mizzie among them, reminiscent of Mazzy Star. And Mz. E, phonetically similar. But nah.
I did once write a character named Myka Dean, I believe? Was that how I spelled it? High school era fiction. There was a lot of crow symbolism in it. It was inspired in part by the comic, The Crow, and crow mythology, in general. Whatever I could find. I picked crows as a research topic for my Gifted class and wrote the story adapting the myths I encountered.
The only specific line I recall is “Come on, angel. Let’s go get you dusted.”
Thought of her last night because I was DESPERATE for a name for a vampire attorney. I decided to pick up the first object on my desk with words on it, and take inspiration from there. LOL… Mica, in my lip balm.
Mica/Myka is rather pretty. And sounds like Michael. I’ve generally had good vibes with Michaels.
Not to mention, Myka Engel sounds a lot like a weirdly-pronounced version of Michael. Just with an added “g” sound. Kinda fun. Maybe one day.
I suppose I could always play around with having friends or a future romantic partner use “Myka” as a nickname. Also reminds me of the single mom whose parents lived next door to us when I was growing up, who was “Michaeline.” She was a fascinating lady! I confess an early crush.
Things to ponder. Names are powerful. I often refuse to use someone’s first name aloud until I feel I have a sense of who they are, because it feels wrong to me to summon or summarize their essence without knowing what it is.
I tried once to explain this to an adorable boy in one of my college classes. He was fascinated but couldn’t quite grasp it. We did, however, really connect on the topic of dream control. Cue “Silent Lucidity.”
Wishing you all the sweetest of dreams, needing no alterations.
All the Bright and Sparkly Things 
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