the bitter and the sweet

I forgot to check into the delay on one of my prescriptions, until it was about time to leave to get to Paranormal Cirque (well, to the Mexican restaurant where we were meeting first). BUT as I found out today, it wouldn’t have mattered if I HAD already inquired with the pharmacy on Sunday. I would have needed to talk to my nurse practitioner’s office, and couldn’t have done so until today.

Evidently, even though my new insurance already covered the name brand med once, they have decided they no longer want to. But with the “name brand medically necessary” listed on the script, the pharmacist can’t legally change it to the generic.

I’ll back up a little.

Even after taking two over the counter sleep aid gel caps when the max dose is one, I still had a LOT of trouble falling asleep last night. I just didn’t get tired, without that med. And the name brand definitely helps me sleep more than the generic. But I guess it’s out of my hands.

Set a few timers in the morning to catch some bonus Z’s. Eventually heard from work. They wanted to know if I could switch with someone else, and cover their Wednesday, and have off today. It’s a really REALLY good thing I said yes.

I knew I was groggy at that point. The pills didn’t do much at night but sure kicked my ass in the morning. With the schedule swap figured out, I called the pharmacy. They don’t answer directly. Your only option is to leave a message for a callback within an hour, which I did.

The pharmacy called back in an hour, to let me know they would need a fresh prescription for the generic. I immediately called my prescriber’s office for the second time about this.

Again, like the pharmacy, you can’t talk to them directly. You can leave a message for their staff. I added that it was urgent because I was OUT of the medication completely. He said he’d mark the message urgent and that there was a “chance” the updated script would still go out today.

It didn’t.

And no one called me back from my nurse practitioner’s office about it, either.

So again tonight, third night in a row I think, I have to try my best to sleep, when my bipolar brain doesn’t know how to switch off without that medication.

While I was waiting to hear back from the pharmacy, I went through all my emails, because I wanted to make sure I hadn’t overlooked anything from the art gallery. Just in case they had already responded.

Didn’t see anything. But I suppose I could have gone through my spam folder more carefully.

Deleted over 1,000 emails. Painstakingly made sure I didn’t get rid of anything I might need/want, unable to select every message in my inbox at once. Had to go in stages.

Then I cleared my trash folder.

I had fully intended to get groceries today, possibly also stop at the library (even after renewing my checkouts online), and at Bath and Body Works, since I had an offer for a free full-size body care item.

By the time my email was sorted and the phone calls made, I had burned through every last ounce of energy I had. Still don’t understand how that happened. I had been too tired to make breakfast, so I had settled for a protein bar. I was ravenous and exhausted.

Debated restaurant food, THEN the grocery store, but I didn’t feel up to that, either.

Instead, I drove over to my parents’ house. I told them what had happened with my medication. I think in my mind, I would grab a snack there and maybe try the store, or the library, then, the store.

I just wanted to vent. It occurred to me to message my Nurse Practitioner directly while I was there, but apart from that, I had already done everything that could be done.

My mom wanted to drive me to one of the other clinic locations and yell at someone.

I said no.

Then I added, besides, her office closes in less than 5 minutes. And I would need to get the prescription from her. After 5, it’s all after-hours employees who can’t even schedule appointments. They can only take a message. And I had already done that. Technically, twice.

I very nearly left in a huff because they were only making everything worse and stressing me out further, by insisting on butting in, when that wasn’t at all what I wanted.

I just needed some empathy, and maybe some food.

I don’t know where I would have gone.

My mom talked me into staying for dinner.

Then after dinner, we all sat in their backyard.

I was so exhausted and depressed by that point, I spent nearly the entire time staring at the ground. I wanted to leave sooner but had virtually no willpower to do much of anything.

Eventually, I realized I was only wearing down further, the longer I stayed, and that I was risking getting to the point where I wouldn’t feel safe to drive home.

At THAT point, I left. My mom made some parting comment about how “we” would work on my prescription situation tomorrow. Well, she phrased it as a question, which I ignored.

I went home, borrowed roll of toilet paper in hand, since I had run out entirely, earlier today.

That meal with them and the protein bar were all I had eaten all day. Eventually, I got hungry again. Decided to do delivery, even if it’s more expensive, because I was most definitely in for the night.

Got two breakfast platters. Yes, that’s a lot of food. I ate everything but the fresh fruit, which I am saving, to try with my Tahin. The dessert-ier of the two platters, you see above. Pancakes with warm and gooey cheesecake filling, chocolate and caramel sauce drizzles, whipped topping, and bits of chocolate chip cookie.

It just looked too good, even in a plastic takeout container, not to photograph it.

The one I inhaled immediately was potato pancakes stacked with eggs, cheese, and bacon inside, topped by sour cream, with hash browns on the side. Maybe not as visually sexy, but so so so so good.

I had wanted to try the new pancake platters from that restaurant, but had forgotten about them completely, until tonight. They were a nice treat.

I’ve been trying to focus on a M/M romance I checked out from the library, but I haven’t been able to read much of that at a time today. Not much of an attention span for more than overthinking, and spiraling.

Fortunately, I didn’t have to try and go to work like this. I’m off again tomorrow, too.

EVENTUALLY, SOMEHOW this will be resolved.

I guess it’s just really frustrating knowing I had called my nurse’s office last week and left a message, AND the pharmacy had faxed them about what precisely had happened.

The pharmacy faxed them again today, but I have never, not once, had an issue with this clinic get solved because of a fax. I don’t know what happens to those faxes, but it seems like no one reads them.

BUT… bright side?

Delicious food. Ample reading material, if I can focus. Some time off to regroup. Writing exercises to play with, and space to straight-up journal, if I need more venting. And an essential paper product, restocked, for the time being.

I also saw an important-looking envelope I hadn’t yet opened, had forgotten about. Having worked for my present employer for a year, I now qualify for 401K. That’s exciting, I suppose.

Honestly, I think a big factor in my mood is just being too tired to properly function. I never have a lot of energy to begin with (apart from the times I’ve been manic), but today was off the charts.

I guess I am going to top off the ice in my water bottle and head back to bed.

Take the meds I do have, and hope for the best.

Write a little, read a little. Try to calm and settle myself.

Tomorrow is a brand new day. I can start fresh, and see what I can do.

Here’s a fun pic, with a David Bowie lyric in neon. Sleep well!