TRIGGER WARNING… REFERENCES TO AGING, DEATH, SELF-HARM, DEPRESSION, SUICIDE
INDICATED AS THEY OCCUR, AS BEST I COULD
I’ve shared this playlist here before, I think, and I may not have made any edits to it, since then. It’s from the Halloween season when a good long-distance friend in California had commented on the thinning of the veil, during the fall, leading up to the last day of October.
But, under the circumstances, I’m sharing it again, in honor of Ozzy.
I heard the news when kiddo called me, while I was at my parents’ house, after a somewhat-adventurous evening. Sad day. He may not have always been in my heavy-rotation, but he was a legend.
My day, in detail:
Was up long enough to see daylight last “night,” busy writing, then just unable to sleep, until taking a sleep aid. But I slept in.
Woke up and went right back to work on Mystery Train.
Kinda tempted to add “Crazy Train” to my Rock is Undead playlist. But I bet if I tried a little harder, I could find a more obscure Ozzy or Black Sabbath song to fit the vibe.
Anyway, since I wrapped up my last of 10 consecutive days of writing practice, according roughly to the rules outlined by Natalie Goldberg in Wild Mind, I’ve been feeling WILDLY creative. Will have to try some visual art, too, while all this is going on. Haven’t painted since those heart-shaped creatures, with the last of the Valentine’s supplies. And I have one more heart, as yet undecorated.
That’s why I haven’t posted in some time. I’ve been working on Mystery Train at night, instead. Not like it won’t still need editing. I’ll have to go back over the whole thang once it’s done, and clean it up. Look for plot holes, continuity errors, repetitive phrasing, “blocking” issues… maybe add more physical description, setting details, and sensory imagery. But it’s presently over 86,000 words. Longer than Wishful Sinful.
I NEARLY left it with a cliffhanger ending, but that feels like NOT the way to wrap up something with a hint of murder mystery to it. I still want to go back earlier into the story, and pepper in some more clues as to the identity of the killer.
Which… is still a mystery to ME.
I guess that’s the best argument why I should keep writing it, rather than call it done. I have to puzzle out who killed the woman on the train, so I know what clues and red herrings to sprinkle in.
Sorry, just got distracted with something I’d remembered I wanted to alter.
Been thinking about Mystery Train almost constantly, the past several days.
But yeah, been having some heavy thoughts off and on, recently, too, when not contemplating sexy vampires, or surfing tumblr for more Lost Boys memes. Which I did again, as a pick-me-up. Made ANOTHER fresh collage for my PC wallpaper, of Michael-David stuff, mostly.
I think my favorite new meme, shows David looking Michael over, with interest, while Star was mounting David’s bike. The caption? “Anyone wanna have a toxic homoerotic psychosexual rivalry with me? It does have to be weird.”
I’m honestly kinda curious what sort of direction Joel Schumacher gave to Kiefer Sutherland and Jason Patric about that whole dynamic. Because it CAN’T be accidental. And my bestie and I are FAR from the only fans who think they at least had a vibe, if not a full-blown (HA, pun) offscreen relationship.
But there was another one, sweeter, not as thirst-trap-y, without any images from the film.
Created, it looks like, by kymera220.
David’s lying on his back, gazing up at the ceiling of their cave. Marko asks what he’s doing. “Stargazing,” he answers. “Dude, those are all pictures of Michael.” “I know. The stars are beautiful tonight.”
On to the heavier stuff.
TRIGGER WARNING: REFERENCE TO MEDICAL ISSUES AND AGING
My mom has a doctor’s appointment tomorrow, to determine if she may need any stints in her neck, for a blockage that’s been causing her to have TIA’s. Like, mini-strokes, but symptoms temporary. Still very scary to witness.
She didn’t tell me about her appointment until tonight, as we were heading back from the library.
The day’s adventures leading up to that point:
As I said, I had been up until morning. Finally passed out, post-snack and sleeping pill. Set an alarm for noon. Went back to sleep, until the cat demanded breakfast, at 1:30 PM.
Well within her rights. She would have usually been fed before then. Even on days I am off, if I have nothing planned, the latest I set the alarm is noon. And when I’m working, I typically get up at 10. Earlier on Sundays.
Fed the cat. Did some writing.
VERY reluctantly stepped away from my project, to shower, and contemplate wtf I would wear out today, given that I need to do laundry, and virtually none of my clothes fit. The jeans/leggings, most are still okay. But the shirts are by and large way too big.
Not a bad problem to have.
Took a much-needed shower. Finally tested Immortal, my 3-in-1 men’s wash from Bath & Body Works… their men’s answer to Vampire Blood, evidently. I really liked the scent. Not so flowery. Good to switch it up, here and there. I don’t mind smelling a little musky.
Been back on Axe Dark Temptations deodorant, lately, too.
Did some light makeup.
Rediscovered lip gloss that while it is old enough I really should toss it, looks AMAZING with my duochrome liquid eyeshadow. Settled on a short-sleeve black blouse, dark-wash pull-on jeans, and metallic silver sandals. Today’s fit and light makeup:
After getting ready, I stopped at my parents’ house. I’d had something shipped there. More things from the employee rewards program where I work. I didn’t photograph ALL of it, but I think I mentioned it here before? The gaming headset, keyboard, mouse, and mousepad combo?
At first, I thought the headset sound wasn’t as good as my old one. It seemed very quiet, until I jacked my computer volume way up, then monkeyed with the controls on the headset, itself.
BUT, there was one song in particular, something by Dead Man’s Bones, that sounded so much clearer. The difference from left to right side was remarkable. One of those songs where the effects kind of ping-pong from ear to ear, when you listen with headphones. Even the Bowie song I just had on, the ending sounded crystal.
Either way, we will see if I keep the new headset plugged in, or go back to my old one. I do like the clip on the old one, allowing you to fasten the cord to your shirt. Helps to keep it from tangling, and keeps the volume control within easy reach. I’ll test the headset out with virtual therapy tomorrow morning, and see what she says, about how I sound, and see how she sounds, in return. Haven’t yet tested the mic.
BUT, I love the functionality of the keyboard.
The font on the keys is a little strange, at least the parts that show quotes, commas, dashes, etc., but I don’t usually need to look at my fingers to type. At some point, we took typing lessons in school. I think mostly, I picked up a fair talent for it, from essay-writing, and creative writing, on my home computer.
The keys feel really smooth on my fingers, and I love the ease of using them. They seem to press down so easily! And there are shifting multicolored lights behind the keys, and on the mouse. THAT is really why I wanted the set. Colors! Squee!
I had at first thought I would also just keep using the gaming mouse kiddo left behind, which also has rainbow light effects. But this mouse! OMG! The whole THING lights up.
There are some beefier features beyond smoother keystrokes and lighting, intended for gaming, like keyboard and mouse shortcuts, etc. Haven’t delved into those yet. It looks like there’s a key on the keyboard you can somehow use to get straight to your email?! I didn’t even know that was a thing! It all came with a little manual, which naturally, I have not yet read. But I will. None of it needed new drivers or software. Just plug in, and go. And it was 100% free. Not even shipping charges.
The mousepad is SO big, oh my gosh. Will have to clear off a big chunk of my desk, and reorganize some of my stuff on top of it, if I want to use it, without cutting any of it off. Which I would hate to do. But I can maybe consider that as motivation to tidy up the clutter around my PC.
So… I didn’t open the box, or the box-within-a-box, that it was actually all inside of, when I got to my parents’ house. I had accidentally crashed their eating dinner, and they welcomed me to have some chicken and veggies. I did that, but was mainly there not only for the package, but also to pick up my mom.
There was an event at the library tonight, and I had an order awaiting pickup at the Bath and Body Works practically around the corner from the library (not really, but close). We stopped for my fragrance refills first. I had already stocked up on body washes and such.
Next, I suppose, I will have to check my foaming hand soap situation. It’s the little luxuries that keep life worth living. But the refills were on an online-only, one day flash sale for $3.50 each, the night I ordered, using in-store pickup. Not a bad deal at all! And I was in a MOOD Sunday night. Called for light shopping.
Campfire Donut, Honeycrisp Hayride, Cinnamon Stick, Sweet Cinnamon Pumpkin, Pumpkin Pecan Waffles, and Wicked Vanilla Woods.
Their Halloween-themed store displays are so magical.
Kiddo recently visited Michael’s, just to browse, and walk around, and shared a pic of some of their shelves. Halloween in full swing, already. She’d said they had a lot of witchy stuff she knew I would love!
We picked up all of that, the BBW stuff, then headed to the library. I’d seen posters on the bulletin board of my local branch, about a folk singer performing there tonight.
When we arrived and saw what appeared to be an updated poster on the front doors, we found out it would now be held outside, not in the conference rooms, as I am pretty sure it was first advertised.
Drove back to their house (only like 5 minutes away) and picked up a lawn chair for my mom. I had a camping chair already in my trunk, for me.
I know it may sound out of character, but I very deliberately didn’t capture any photos or video of the performance, so I could immerse myself in the experience, instead of pre-planning how to best share it.
It was amazing.
One of the songs, the one that nearly had me full-on crying, he’d written during the Pandemic. It had won singer-songwriter best song of the year for our state, when it released. Lyrics about wishing to be a younger version of himself, time holding you for ransom, the ransom is yourself. Really struck a chord.
Beside me, my mom was having difficulty hearing him, even though the sound was fine.
Time is so fleeting, beyond the eternal present moment. Which is really all we have.
My mom’s obvious hearing loss underscored that, as did my thoughts turning to kiddo, and her childhood, while he sang; then later, finding out about my mom’s appointment tomorrow morning. Will have to check in with her tomorrow, and see how that all pans out.
She’d hinted at wanting to drive up to the peninsula tomorrow, but there’s also a concert in the park, assuming it doesn’t rain. And if it does rain, that wouldn’t make for the best weather to browse gift shops, either. We’ll see. I have a lot of “should’s” waiting, like that laundry.
Came home earlier than I had expected. She’d had dinner already and I guess wasn’t feeling up to popping over to her favorite nearby restaurant for a cocktail or some dessert, as we sometimes do. I guess she’s also been very leery of sweets on an empty stomach, after the TIA’s seemed to have occurred when they’d gone for a drive and gotten ice cream. She’s diabetic but manages quite well with diet and exercise. Herbal remedies, too, if those also help. But she definitely carb counts.
So, I had LOTS of time to unbox my new tech. I intentionally left the outer box on the kitchen floor, off to the side, for kitty. She dove in the moment I stepped away from it, and scratched it up.
Cats and boxes. Even jungle cats love boxes.
Speaking of what kitty loves… CHECK THIS OUT OH MY GOSH!!!
I zoomed in a little so I wouldn’t spook her. That may be why it’s a little blurry? BUT… TOP PERCH, YO!!! She overcame her trepidation and tried it out, at last.
I didn’t even see her get up there. Turned my head, and there she was.
She climbed/jumped down almost immediately after I took the pic. But if she’s done it once, she can do it again! I’m so proud of her!!!
She’s been very defensive about me brushing her belly fur. But I had discovered a couple small bits of matted fur past her chest and had to tend to them. She got one bite into my arm, and another just into my sleeve, the next day. But I got her de-matted. Will have to work in some of the waterless shampoo again, soon.
Kiddo reminded me that kitty bellies are very sensitive, and that as a senior cat, she probably doesn’t feel like tolerating any of my nonsense. But she’s playing again, which I think is a really good sign, for her mental health, if nothing else.
We’re all getting older. Me, the cats, my parents, my daughter.
I don’t want to just let the time pass by, waiting on some imagined future happiness. Which abstractly resembles kiddo and I not living so far apart anymore. But I can’t really imagine myself in Oklahoma.
When my mom had talked to me about how her sister didn’t want to move to California to be with her son, I didn’t get it. Now, MAYBE I do? But I feel like I would go back to California in a heartbeat, given the means. I loved So Cal. When I mention having lived in Los Angeles for nearly a year, everyone looks at me like I’m crazy, wondering why the hell I came back to the midwest.
But that’s another long and winding story. And it is late.
I may want a little more time with sexy vampires, before bed. Even if I am feeling VERY tired. I have thus far resisted the urge for a post-getting-home soda. OH, not counting finishing off the warm one I had left out, forgotten. I took a cold one out of the fridge and have yet to crack the top. Will PROBABLY put it away, as much as I am craving the flavor.
I did, however, make some HERBAL sweet tea, with my Sweet Cinnamon Spice, which I just discovered also has some chamomile in it. Something I can drink at any time of day. It’s chillin’ in the fridge in the gallon pitcher. Once again sweetened with Truvia. The steam rising from it, as the water bubbled, and the tea steeped, smelled so amazing. I stirred a little magical intention into it, too.
Finished off the English Rose tea already.
I suppose I could have some of the tea, if my sweet tooth gets the best of me, before I try to sleep. Which I really should be doing, now. Ack. But I’m off tomorrow…
Okay, spoiler alert, I got up briefly. Put on a sleep shirt. Put the can of soda back in the fridge. The tea in my beautiful purple gallon pitcher is still warm, BUT the water I’d added fresh to the ice cube trays when I got home, had frozen. So, I filled my fave purple plastic cup with ice, and am having some tea.
Type O Negative, now. “Haunted.” Boy. He’s gone, too. And Bowie. Now, Ozzy. Lotta departed musicians on this playlist. But I suppose it is a heavier theme, to go with. Surprised I left Jim Morrison out. Or did I?
I was listening to my Rock is Undead playlist on the way home the other night, and started crying, as Trent Reznor sang, “We’re In This Together.”
In high school, I dreamed I was trying to seduce him, and he turned me down, for fear of corrupting me. Which feels REALLY on-brand. It’s pretty to believe it was a legit astral experience maybe! But I don’t think I’d give teen-me that kind of witchy clout. And I am sure astral-Trent would have had more important things to do.
Yes, I realize he has like a gazillion fans, that I’m not the only one who got through my teen years largely on Pretty Hate Machine (I gave a spare copy to an English teacher, since it was my fave album, and I wanted to share it… I think he liked it, but said something about the singer sounding either really angry or in incredible amounts of pain).
To say nothing of all the fans he’s gained since then.
I’ve been lucky enough to see him live either two or three times. I want to say three? Once in high school, circa Downward Spiral. That show was WILD! Bowie played from the overhead speakers, before the show, which a lot of the crowd complained about. But I loved Bowie, and I knew Trent did, too. Calling him by his first name, like he’s a personal friend. So cheesy of me.
But he did discuss Bowie as a major influence, in an interview I had read. And they ultimately collaborated. So, there. Ha.
Valentine’s Day show here, which I attended, alone. I was so cynical about all the couples who’d gone together, dead certain the only guy there I would want was the performer, himself.
As if it were a date. Yeah. Just a little obsessive.
Hey, the sound on my headset just jacked way up. Maybe one of the cords wasn’t in quite right? It has two! Never had a headset that did. Just the USB. Well, we’ll keep testing it out. Not like it’s a HARDSHIP to listen to Spotify and type.
But yes. Listening to “We’re In This Together,” heading home. And I started bawling. I get that his music likely means many things, to many, many fans besides me. But it was so profoundly consoling to hear someone I look up to artistically, tell me they were on my side. That “we will make it through somehow.” I’m crying even now, no NIN songs playing, just remembering the impact, in that moment.
I also had the passing thought, that night and today, wtf will I do when HE dies? He’s older than me. His first album came out when I was still a teenager. WOAH HEY I just checked. So I discovered it as a teen, but I was only 11 when he cut the album.
Internet says he’s 60. Not “ancient,” but not young, either. Got me beat by 13 years.
Le sigh… the idols of my youth are disappearing. But, I like to TRY to focus on the ways their art immortalizes them, on how their impact remains meaningful, regardless.
I’ve had some days recently where that kind of support, from music and the arts, felt like an urgent necessity. When I avoid listening to things like “Don’t Fear the Reaper,” which doesn’t ALWAYS bring me down. But sometimes, I just can’t take it. Still an amazing song.
Why plug into a whole playlist mainly about death tonight?
Not sure if I have a ready answer to that.
Partly, because of Ozzy.
Will have to look for some playlist grist featuring him.
I did, however, discover a ZZ Top song I was really surprised by.
Not that they’re a bad band.
I just heard SO much of them, growing up, on classic rock radio. Maybe not in childhood, but by the time I was in my teens, listening to FM at home. Certainly once I started driving on my own. I also favored the alternative stations (still do… we have a good one here which was playing yungblood tonight). But classic rock is pretty dang pervasive.
So yeah, I find a lot of ZZ Top overplayed, to my ears. But their cover of “Viva Las Vegas” is chef’s kiss. I did add that one to my current fictional series in progress-themed playlist, since some of it happens in Vegas. Felt right.
I’m willing to admit this means there could be a lot of ZZ Top songs that never made their way to radio, which are also good. There, I said it.
Maybe tonight seems like a good night for vibing with the pain, rather than trying to tweak my mood and avoid it. You can’t run from it forever. I suppose the trick, however, is to feel it, process it, without getting stuck.
TRIGGER WARNING: DISCUSSION OF CUTTING AND SUICIDE BELOW
That said, maybe it’s time to swap playlists. The one that’s on now, “Ghost” by Badflower, is a little too close to home, right in this moment. Willful unaliving of oneself by cutting.
Something I’ve considered many, many times but never attempted. Closest I came was shallow cuts in high school, hoping to make my outsides match my insides, get the pain OUT where I could see it, and the once, in adulthood, similar thing, but done to counteract something else going on, mentally, at the time.
HEAVY $h!t concluded
Back to Lost Boys-flavored rock. Eh, vampires aren’t necessarily a depression-safe fixation at times. But, I’m headed to bed soon, anyway, I think.
Maybe a touch more poking at Mystery Train? We’ll see.
OH MAN… just discovered a single Ozzy released on Spotify on the first of this month. Definitely a keeper. Straight to the playlist. Lyrically very fitting, even if the “stripped-down orchestral version” I found (Is there another one on Spotify? Mystery!), sounds a little softer than a lot of what’s on the playlist, now. But it’s not all heavy, either. I like variety, and shy away from metal that gets too intense. Or rock that gets too metal-y.
So sad.
Mkay, I found the version that also has guitar. Going with that, instead.
I hadn’t remembered the other Ozzy songs I had in my playlists, until I looked him up fresh.
“Bark At the Moon” on my werewolf playlist, etc.
Just happened to remember my all-time favorite Ozzy tune. “Perry Mason.” The way the guitar builds, the repetitive arc of the riffs of that and the bass. Even the vocals. It all just layers together so well!
Perfect track for a series that also includes a murder mystery element.
Added that and “Road to Nowhere.” Maybe not the height of obscurity. But still. Good times.
And with that, good night. Technically, good morning.
But it is still dark out. So that’s progress, from yesterday.
So, there.
Something pretty, from Pexels:
All the Bright and Sparkly Things 
Leave a comment