Sugar, Take Two

I had a post I had put together last night, I think, same featured image, also called “Sugar,” because I had started the session by throwing on Sleep Token’s “Sugar” as a pick-me-up.

Anyway, this much I will repeat from the deleted draft: I chose sugared churros for the image, BECAUSE I did end up adding in the bit about fresh churros at the grocery store in Los Angeles where Jared and Haven had been making their alcohol runs, and how the aroma always reminds him of Haven: her sugar scrubs, her scent, her taste, etc.

Once again, listening to my “I’ve developed a taste for you” playlist, which starts with “Sugar.”

I had told my nurse practitioner that I was starting to really struggle with depression again, but that I didn’t want to tweak my med cocktail because I had been doing so well with weight loss. I am *SUPER* sensitive to any med that can cause weight gain. AND I don’t care what my old primary care doctor once said, about how if you don’t eat more than you were already, you won’t gain the weight. Some drugs slow your metabolism. And they can also increase your appetite.

It’s been hard, the past few nights.

I suppose I maybe should have already called the Crisis Center, like yesterday, at the very least.

It’s not even that really godawful things have been happening. I’m just feeling really worn down by the weight of a lot of little things, which by themselves, wouldn’t be so upsetting. And I’ve been working a bit more than usual, or at least more than I had been. Which is good for me financially, but challenging in other ways.

I love my coworkers. The general atmosphere at work is great. It can be a very emotionally satisfying position to work, for sure. I’m just wearing down, a bit. Which, if I don’t bounce back at all, I can definitely bring up. Our manager is very understanding about that sort of thing. Better to get in front of it and have your hours cut back some, intentionally, than to wind up not being able to fulfill scheduled time slots (even if I would probably never do that… the only days I have missed so far were after my back gave out).

Maybe having someone tag an ex online is legitimately upsetting?

Sure, I did have Haven say Molly tasted like peaches, because of a comment my ex gf had made in passing a LONG-ass time ago. BUT, I didn’t feel like I really had a lot of unprocessed emotions about her. The rebuff of either being honestly forgotten, or willfully sort of shunned, when I reached out the first time someone tagged her, wasn’t great. But I hadn’t thought about THAT in a very long time, either.

I certainly wasn’t thinking about it when I added that detail into Mystery Train about the peaches. It was more like just pulling details from my life to enrich the story. The more you do that, I have read, the more authentic your writing sounds, even if you are not strictly writing “what you know.”

Now, Erik found a bowling ball abandoned in an alley, while driving his new car, and brought it home, and affixed it to the entertainment center with Quakehold Gel, in the living room of the apartment he shares with Lenore. It’s also on a stand, and the whole thing, the ball into the stand and the stand onto the entertainment center, is gelled down to stay in place. She goes so far as to compare it to the Eye of Sauron, looking down over their living room.

I’ve never used Quakehold but met someone who had, and saw the snake enclosure they used a TON of it under. Apparently, if you try to break apart the object(s) using straight force or like 90 degree angle movements, it will come apart, but it won’t move in the rumbly, organic motions of an earthquake.

Who knows if I will ultimately keep ALL of those fun extra details in there? We’ll see.

I mention Quakehold Gel in what I’ve written so far but didn’t add anything about how it works. Still, I feel like it’s a legit detail– mentioning something about earthquakes in that area, even if indirectly.

The bowling ball is part of an ongoing sort of “shrine” Erik’s making of things he discovered or purchased during his adventures with the car.

Lenore calls the car “the other woman.”

The real-life bowling ball adventure happened before I had my daughter, on one of my after-work adventures with a crush who had the COOLEST cars, and could whip around a butterfly knife with finesse, and would sometimes throw his knife at pizza boxes.

We discovered the bowling ball on a drive through a road here that winds in and out of a forested area. I think before we hit the woods, on the road leading down, was where we saw the bowling ball, off to the side of the road. Just chillin.

I know it was on our usual route to his and his roommate’s apartment.

The bowling ball in the story is a lot fancier than the one we found, just for fun.

On the subject of earthquakes: I was in a couple smaller quakes while I lived in the city. One of them caused the flooring in the hall of our dorm to ripple like water. No one believes that, but I swear, it happened.

The first earthquake I experienced, I was hangin’ out in someone else’s dorm, lying down on their bed, while we watched Dazed and Confused. Everything started to vibrate. I asked if we shouldn’t stand in a doorway or something. “No,” she said, “It’s no big deal. Just a little one.” And that seems to be the general vibe. No one sweats the little ones. My roommate had even told me that the little ones were good, because they vented some of the built-up pressure.

The girl down the hall that I’d been watching the movie with, signed one of my records, from my paltry vinyl collection, so I would have it in case her dream film career really took off (studying directing), and she made it big. Dunno what happened to that record. None of what I had was high-value first editions or anything. And I’m not sure if I had my own record player at any point?

Her first name was Allison, but I don’t remember her last name anymore.

Alas.

AND back to “Cinnamon Girl” covered by Type O Negative, which had a few days ago led me to eventually hop, skip, and jump over to my “That Wasn’t Wine” playlist of vampire songs, heading home from work.

It all comes back around.

Well, I clued in kiddo and long-distance-bestie to some of the things that just didn’t go my way today, and they both offered empathy. And while I don’t have any photos of it, I made pretty decent Alfredo tonight (maybe too much black pepper when I was browning the chicken, but eh). Tonight, I had it with the last of the Basmati rice because I wasn’t up to also making pasta (as silly as that sounds… but I had JUST enough rice left, and got that saucepan all washed out).

What can I say? Dinner was made with rage. I was in no mood to make more than I absolutely HAD to, beyond browning enough chicken to carry me into tomorrow. But that didn’t feel like added labor, since it just meant throwing more meat into the skillet I would already be using.

BUT, I will spare you the specifics of all the petty little things that have me about ready to boil over… and move on to some OTHER details I don’t think I shared visually just yet?

First off… I had told kiddo, “I need caffeine to go to the store to get caffeine,” the day I FINALLY succumbed and bought groceries. Much to my delight, I had enough left from my payday Starbucks digital gift card reload, with the last of the cash I had recently been given (most of which I spent on a FABULOUS pair of jeans– but they were only $20)… to get a grande Raspberry Cream Cold Brew.

They had sent me an email about Raspberry being back for a LIMITED TIME ONLY. God, they know just how to get me. Novelty, limited time things, purple, glitter, glows in the dark, butterflies. All pretty much guaranteed to get me to buy things.

And if the thing in question is a COMBINATION of more than ONE of those categories?

FORGET ABOUT IT.

The cold brew looked really pretty in the app, too, I suppose. Even my mom thought so, when I showed it to her, before I headed out to pick one up, then get my groceries.

Anyway, I got an actually pretty decent pic of my cold brew, before I went into the store. And I discovered a Starbucks Grande fits really well into the cup-holders built into my store’s carts. BOOYAH!

My lovely press-ons and a bit of the embroidery on the new jeans, in the background. These are the jeans I mentioned, but that I wasn’t crazy about the look of the one full-body pic I had wearing them. Will have to get some more tops in my correct size to wear with it, and get fresh pics.

Moving on…

It has ALSO been like Halloween Christmas the past several days!

And wouldn’t that be the PERFECT holiday EVER conceived?

I think I mentioned somewhere that kiddo’s and my Halloween costume bits have begun arriving?

I didn’t ask permission, even though it’s her stuff, but I tried some of it on, and photographed all of it, to show her, and EVERYONE, because I’m THAT excited about her upcoming visit.

Also, it was VERY cool that I was able to get nearly everything for her costume, and my wig, for free, with a gift card I was given for applying and being approved for a credit card. NOT that I NEED more credit. But… gift card?! Very nice. And I have not touched the credit. And I intend to keep it that way. Still working on the credit I already have, little by little.

Kiddo’s going as Moth Maven, a female companion or alternate version of Mothman. Above, you see her sunglasses. The delicate lines in the wings distort your vision somewhat, and while she hasn’t had her eyes checked in a bit, I know her eyesight already isn’t the greatest LOL… but that’s okay. Not like either of us will drive with these on, or anything silly like that.

Her necklace! I hope all the jewelry fits her. I know I’ve lost some weight even in my arms, and the bracelets didn’t have a WHOLE lot of extra room in them. I still had to snap them on the loosest setting. But we’ll see. Here’s hoping.

The bracelet sets and the individual bracelet add-on, enough to stud both her wrists in STYLE!

I may have to order some of these for myself, especially if the much less expensive jewelry I ordered for myself turns out to be as shoddy as you would think it might be, for the price. Buyer beware, I suppose, but I decided to roll the dice and see.

THE EARRINGS OMG!!! Aren’t they GORGEOUS? I may need some of those, too. LOL. Not like I don’t wear a ton of things with butterflies and the like on them. I would have plenty of things to match them with (even if some of my butterfly tees are too big now).

Last but not least, my X-Men: Evolution-era Rogue wig, which I will be pairing with some kinda punky/gothy look. If the stuff I already ordered is decent, I MAY end up replicating her outfit from the animated series fairly faithfully. Otherwise, I may have to get a little creative. I have a t-shirt that while not as clingy or sexy as her wardrobe, still seems to fit her vibe; however, it was oversized even when I was a 4X. BUT… we will see.

Lastly, I think I also mentioned that I had a Valentine’s Day heart I hadn’t yet decorated? It also occurred to me this morning that at least with the wooden ones, I could paint the back sides, too. Dunno if I will be industrious enough to try any of that tonight, but here’s an earlier look at the last remaining one. Since this pic, I added more white in a couple spots, and crisped up the black. I may post an updated pic once I’ve taken one. That just sounds like mega-effort right now… not that this post WASN’T… but hey. I also may clean it up a little more than I have already. We’ll see.

Painting that little heart, however casually, even if I am now making it prettier, or more how I would like it, really helped get me over a hump with my creative writing, that same night, I believe.

It helps sometimes to hop media and do something different, then go back to what you were working on. At least, it does, for me. And maybe there was something creative/passionate about making the Alfredo, jarred sauce or not… I added Italian seasoning, and a bit of spinach, to give it some veggie content, even if that is WILDLY not authentic.

Saving the rest of the spinach for tomorrow’s breakfast.

Today, I had two eggs with spinach and hot sauces over toast, and some bacon, and a second piece of toast, with strawberry preserves. I ran out of plain yogurt and fresh strawberries but have discovered I LOVE plain Greek yogurt with a bit of preserves added. It’s just like that Fruit on the Bottom yogurt we used to buy when I was growing up.

The Butter Chicken also turned out VERY well. It definitely makes a difference, flavor-wise, to simmer it in an undrained skillet that had all the meat juices, and the remaining butter, etc., in it. I did add some of the extra sauce just left over in the jar, when I was reheating portions in the microwave, but you could very distinctly taste the more nuanced flavor profile of the simmered sauce versus the nuked sauce.

That’s all I got. But it was kind of a lot, no? And, definitely much more mood-boosting than the post I ultimately deleted. Very grateful for all the little things, the little luxuries, that get me through. Cute new jeans, coffee drinks, trying new things in the kitchen whether made from scratch or not. Painting. Creative writing. Reliving positive memories.

OH… there was one thing that may be a positive outcome to my remembering my first girlfriend. One sentence I had added to my “Peaches” post stood out to me as sounding like creative writing, rather than just straight-out journaling/blogging. And I think at that point I had already been toying with the idea of bringing a character out of obscurity and away from vague suspicion of death…I’m going to adapt that sentence from the “Peaches” post and see if I can fit it into Mystery Train. Actually broke from my routine and started roughing out a scene with it, not yet knowing where or how I would slip it into the rest of the narrative. Again, we’ll see.

EDIT TO ADD: Was just adding my tags to this post, when I recalled that I wanted to mention, I picked up probiotics for the cat today, AND made it to the library before work, with time leftover to meditate in my car briefly. The book? Goblin Mode. Will defs let y’all know what I think!

NOW that’s it.

G’nite!