“Momma”

Wore shorts and sandals without prettying up my legs or my toenails today. But I didn’t go anywhere other than my parents’ house. So you’re not getting a full-body pic, even if my shorts are incredibly cute. Denim cutoffs with some fine-lined navy blue embroidery outlining flower and leaf shapes, and some prismatic sparkly bits.

I felt pretty scruffy today, in spite of the shorts. Woke up cranky AF and had a killer headache most of the day, even after food and caffeine and a ton of sleep. And I have been crying off and on since getting out of bed. Everything seems to have me overflowing with emotion. I’m not even certain I can explain where it’s coming from or how I feel.

It started with me surfing tumblr. I came across a post with a link to a Kiefer Sutherland music video. I already knew he had a music career. Found that out while writing Wishful Sinful. It reinforced that much more that David the vampire gives lead singer.

Only I think David would have been less country/Americana rock, and more hair band/goth.

I took the opportunity to hop on Spotify. The song in the link mentions rain, so I added it to my “I feel my shadow dissolving” rainy day playlist. Then, even if his style kind of contradicts much of what I have on the Rock is Undead playlist, I added a track there, too. Maybe Dorian and Velveteen Slumber would sound a bit different. Still, it felt right. A nod to the actor whose performance inspired the series, in large part.

On my way home later on today, I was listening to Southern Gothic Gritty Rock, and realized his song that mentioned road tripping and Georgia would be a perfect fit there.

But. Back to early this afternoon, when I saw the post. The music had me bawling. Even thinking about it, I’m starting to cry all over again. I’m sure it sounds kind of stupid and possibly toxic and parasocial to say you’re connecting intensely to an artist, but he just sounds like he’s been through so very, very much.

Maybe that’s part of why I write Dorian the way I do. He’s quite chaotic, and prone to dramatic mood swings, and very old “in the blood,” but not the oldest vamp in the series thus far (I won’t reveal who is).

Second-guessing if I let the “big bad” lose too easily in Mystery Train.

Might be worth some reconsideration.

It feels like an impasse until the next book would be very challenging to write, logistically.

But maybe not. I might be overthinking it. It’s just that he’s rather OP, and maybe he should be tougher than I made him. Will consider that.

The shirt I chose today not just because it was one of the few t-shirts remaining in the closet, is one I bought for a very specific reason. At the same time, I purchased my daughter a top and a pair of pants I later learned were both intended as PJ’s. I think her top said “Love.” Mine says “Mama.” She wore hers traveling either here or back home, once, when she visited.

When she messages me, she spells it “Momma,” which seems so idiosyncratic and sweet.

I told her at the time, her set was to remind her she’s always loved, and mine is to remind me that I’m still her “mama/momma.” And always will be.

Something to help us stay connected.

Not sure if putting the shirt on today primed me for an excess of emotion? Maybe.

Is it silly to say that one soul who’s been through hell tends to recognize another? Maybe not.

I have so many memories that hit me as intrusive thoughts, from decades of trauma and various depressive and especially out-of-control manic episodes. Every day.

My mind just starts a reel of “Hey, remember when…?” triggered by the slightest connection to the past.

However, I have noticed it’s easier to slip into “wise mind” observer mode, and remember I am not my thoughts or my emotions, while I’m driving. Meditating helps, too.

Today wasn’t a comfortable day. I didn’t get nearly as much done as I had hoped. I ate healthy food and cleaned up after my meal-making, and did laundry, but that was about it. And edited just a snippet or two of Mystery Train.

I’m trying to be downright ruthless about sentence structure and cut out as many “had” bits and ‘d abbreviations (she’d, he’d, etc.) as I can, in the interest of keeping the language fresh and more immediate.

And I reworked the intro entirely. May have mentioned that already?

I made it to the end of my first pass through the whole thing, feeling pretty proud, then happened to notice all the “had’s” and realized there was a lot more work to be done.

I’m still keeping tense consistent, or at least, I seem to be. It’s in past tense.

I guess I just tended to throw in “had” when the action was somewhat in flashback.

I think maybe I’m just somewhat starved for connection. Deeper level kind of stuff. The first step there might be reconnecting to that level within myself, before I can healthily share it anywhere. And I suppose some of it is therapy-oriented.

Maybe if I don’t have like a novel-long list of things that happened that affected me intensely, by the time of my next appointment, I’ll suggest we go back to my trauma work. Because I am still having those intrusive thoughts regularly.

She did say, though, that I seem to be doing a good job of making mindful decisions when faced with intense emotional situations, in the present.

OH… so Orgy’s cover of “Blue Monday” just came on. Will never forget the first time I heard it. A former love introduced me to it. And he and his friends and I later saw Orgy perform it live. Very cool.

But that reminded me, I had meant to track down a harder cover of “Bizarre Love Triangle” for the Rock is Undead playlist. A cover popped up in the feed at work and sparked that idea.

I just found a good one. A band called New Years Day.

That’s fun.

Something kiddo often tells me, when I update her on any current intense interests, adventures, or otherwise just interesting factoids about my day. She said it about my wearing the shirt today.

Hm… the villain in Mystery Train is especially interesting to me. Much more so than the Wishful Sinful villain. He may need a “to be continued” added to his story arc, so I can play around with his personality and backstory, some more.

I suppose if I do that, I would have the narrative space to humanize him a bit further, make him at least a little sympathetic. Because everyone should have a glimmer of good in them, somewhere, or some tiny intrinsic detail that helps them seem more three-dimensional.

Mkay, I have talked myself into it. That whole scene and the ending will need a fresh rewrite.

But if they don’t completely defeat him, how do they get out of that situation? That’s the logistical issue. He’d still pose a threat, until they successfully get off the train. And after that, really. Just not as immediately.

Stuff to ponder.

I suppose I could poke at it now, a little, before bed. That might make the whole day feel more fulfilling? Oh, I did also sign up for Chime online banking, but still have to update my direct deposit info, then all my streaming service and other automated debit billing.

Kiddo has it, and once I get my first direct deposit to the account, we both get some money from Chime. It does have some pretty impressive benefits, but I also thought it would be one way I could help kiddo with her current financial straits without having to give her money out of my own income, while also trying to save toward her visit.

And I had recently set up 401K, so some of every paycheck is getting invested. That’s dipping into my money, too. It’s still a good thing, though. And Chime has the option to add a percentage of every direct deposit into savings. I’ll do that, too, as well as the “round-up,” where your spare change goes to savings as debit transactions are rounded up to the next even dollar amount.

Okay. To editing, I go.