thoughts

I’m a jangly mess of nerves right now.

I don’t want to go into why, but yeah.

Trying to ease my nervous system back down.

My kiddo called me while I was working, even though I had sent her a text telling her I hoped she was doing okay and that I was about to head inside, working a closing shift. She sent a !! reaction to the text, but I don’t know how closely she actually read it. Otherwise, she would have known I’d be working, when she was driving home from her job.

That made me pretty sad.

What if she’s just… what if I’ve been too much?

There have been a lot of little things recently she responded “I’m sorry momma” about, like the incident yesterday with the Blu-ray player. But I legit thought the player could have busted. Electronics don’t tend to like being handled that roughly.

I had an analog television we shipped to Los Angeles. It wasn’t visibly damaged, but the box rattled when you moved it. Internal components all messed up. Wouldn’t even turn on, when plugged in. I don’t know a lot about the internal workings of those sorts of things, but yeah.

And now would not have been a very good time to replace a Blu-ray player.

But I guess at least it wasn’t the region-free DVD player I ordered online. I had debated getting a region-free Blu-ray player instead, but I think they were more expensive. And I really only had a few things in mind that I would need it for. DVDs of movies from a queer indie filmmaker I discovered while perusing the video store in Los Angeles, that weren’t available anymore in the US.

Ah…. Deftones. Their mellower songs are so, so soothing to the senses. “Mascara.”

Kiddo and I are both very overwhelmed at this point, between work and responsibilities at home. I know I managed to pull off a rather long novel, but that was about all that was keeping me going.

In related news, I made some “moodboard” collages for tumblr tonight. One of them was flagged by tumblr’s algorithm as “mature content,” which I honestly didn’t think was that bad, until I reconsidered it, with fresh eyes. Yeah, there wasn’t any nudity, and the images individually wouldn’t really be very spicy. But the way they interplayed was very suggestive.

At first, I indignantly unflagged it, but then, I changed my mind.

Objectively, yes, it is mature content, thematically.

The second one was fine. Nothing racy there.

After that I felt kinda pervy. But I did already almost immediately have someone “like” the saucy one. The one that was more Michael/David. Even if, as I admitted with the post, it goes against the grain of the existing ending of The Lost Boys. After all, Michael rejects David’s offer, and chooses Star and his family.

What was rather interesting to me while trying to build an aesthetic for Michael based around more than his evolving fashion sense, was that his identity in the movie is very relational.

We don’t see a lot about what makes him tick, beyond him doing curls with some weights, while carrying in his stuff (so he cares about fitness, but he doesn’t fit the bill of gym bro), and learning he’s instantly lovestruck by Star and wants to fit in with David and his gang. At first maybe just because of Star, but I think there’s some peer pressure/found family/looking for a place to belong, going on, later.

He’s protective enough to rescue Star and Laddie, and while he and Sam have their differences, it’s still obvious they love each other. Michael may rebel against his mom, but he defends her when Max threatens to tear their family apart and reshape it into something unrecognizable. Or at least, he tries to. All positive character traits. But still more about his connection to others.

I guess maybe he was intended as all-American pretty-boy pseudo-rebel with a passing resemblance to Jim Morrison, per the juxtaposition of his face and the poster of Jimbo in the montage while Michael’s high on David’s blood.

It was really hard to come up with ways to depict any of that visually, and create a vibe for him, without just resorting to how he dresses, that he rides a motorbike/motorcycle, etc. Or using multiple stills from the movie. I did use some images from the film in both, but more in the tamer one, surprisingly. Or maybe that isn’t surprising?

He’s defined by his attachments, not his interests on his own. Maybe because his identity is still kind of up for debate, in his own mind, when they arrive in Santa Carla. That could have been a driving factor in the intensity of his passion for Star, and the slippery slope that leads him to becoming a half-vampire.

By contrast, there was a moodboard (at least one… I only saw the one) devoted to his brother, Sam. Sharpened stakes, comic books, sneakers, etc. And I think some “fashion-victim” feeling clothing. (However, there’s also a meme circulating that apparently one of the weaknesses you acquire as a vampire is fashion, with a pic of Marko. Clearly the vamps care about how they present, too.)

The caffeine experiment seems to be going well, in other news. I *think* I was in a better mood, for the most part, today, with soda at the ready.

But I’ve been thinking about life tonight, as one does when everything settles, and it’s just you and the quiet, until you settle your headphones over your ears and crank some Spotify.

I guess after midnight isn’t the best time to think about life, because that’s not the time of the day I feel the most positive about things, when I get all deep and reflective.

Late last night/early this morning, I was mentally restless and kept turning back to my phone, contemplating “Who is Michael Emerson?” (yes I am a big nerd at heart, for vampire mythos, etc.)

Stayed up later than I should have, but I bumped my alarm forward an hour to get more sleep, and between that and the soda, I was okay. Mostly.

My point: in the middle of all my vibe-searching online, I was contemplating the “He loves me, he loves me not” thing with flower petals, which I considered including in the moodboard collages, but none of the pics looked goth enough for my taste. In the process of surfing through those image search results, I found a whole post, where someone said something like the following:

Yes, he probably loves you. Yes, he still thinks about you every day. But he doesn’t know what he wants. And what is he doing about it? Nothing. So you certainly shouldn’t do anything about it, either.

That was definitely a kinder bit of kismet than the image I’ve caught a couple times on Pinterest, of a hot pink telephone (the old-school phone booth kind), with the message “The person you are trying to reach has already moved on” pasted on it. That one came across my feed again last night. Apparently I had an intense enough reaction to it the first time that I recognized it. I get weirdly superstitious about various things being “signs.”

t’s been a very long time since I had anyone romantically in my life that hit me hard enough emotionally for me to think about them in that way, to dive deep into my psyche, etc.

Maybe it was more reflecting that those insights could have served me well in the past, in relation to a few people in particular. I suppose the longer quote might sound harsh on the surface, as well, but it made me feel better, in a way.

Much better than all that cultural BS about “he’s just not that into you.”

I get that it’s entirely possible to confuse your own feelings for your read on the vibe between yourself and someone else– that you can get carried away and fall harder and faster than the other person. But still. There was some palpable obsessing going on, in both directions, in every situation I can think of, to which that “He probably…” quote might apply.

I’m not arrogant enough to think that I’m for everyone. I get compliments on my appearance, but those deeper, intense connections are fewer and further between. Then again, I * also* saw a meme that read “Dysfunctional love lasts forever.” Which also seemed fitting. So I wouldn’t say these were healthy situations. Not just because of the meme. Those partners helped lead me to a lot of emotional chaos and instability. It’s a rare thing for me to break up with someone I am really and truly and deeply invested in, without needing intense mental health assistance, afterward. Then again, I tend to dive headfirst into high-octane love out of boredom. Which PROBABLY isn’t healthy.

There’s a great scene in an episode of Queer as Folk, where Brian (Bryan?) is showing his son a train set and saying sometimes it’s boring to just keep going around and around the track, so sometimes, we have to derail. But that you can always make it right again, after.

How did I get on this tangent?

Also, clearly, I spend entirely too much time contemplating things I find online LOL.

And pop culture media.

Michael Emerson.

I really wanted both Michael and Star when I first saw the movie. They looked so perfect together. And I can never seem to choose between the pretty guy and the really pretty girl. Well, maybe I lean further toward the pretty guy, lately, but I haven’t come across many recently that are the sort of pretty that really hooks me.

There was one with some potential, as someone to talk to and vibe with, if nothing else. I think he was kinda far away, if memory serves? But he responded to my initial message by just saying if I want to talk to him off the app where he found me, ______ is his Instagram and Snapchat. Blah.

Ooooh a very cool cover of “Cry Little Sister.”

There’s 3 of them on this playlist, but if I’m remembering correctly, there was a 4th one I also liked LOL… how much “Cry Little Sister” is too much? Dunno if I ever shared this anecdote here, but I saw an interview at a fan event where Kiefer Sutherland shared that somewhere near him, there’s a strip club that throws on “Cry Little Sister” every time he walks through the door.

I told that to my daughter, and she said, “Wow, he must go there a lot.”

He also has a photo of himself as David on the front page of his official website.

I was perusing the site to see if he was doing anything with his parallel music career as of late.

He is not, at the moment, it appears. Alas.

Even if his particular genre isn’t my usual go-to, it’d be fun to see him live, somewhere.

Oh, speaking of rockstar actors, apparently today (well, yesterday, now, since it’s post-midnight) was Keanu Reeves’ birthday. Dogstar bassist.

I guess that’s all I’ve got. Really ought to brush my teeth and take my meds and get some sleep. Nowhere to be anytime soon tomorrow, but I do need groceries, somehow, at some point. If I could get out of here and to the store before my scheduled phone call situation in the afternoon, it would be helpful.

AW “Hyacinth House” just came on.

“Why did you throw the Jack of Hearts away? It was the only card in the deck that I had left to play.”

Grateful for all the squirrely distractions that keep me going.

If I may include one last bit of internet wisdom, I saw a meme last night that said something about how eroticism is the opposite of death, because it’s the ultimate affirmation of life. I’ve seen similar ideas before, about sex and death as eternal opposites. I think there’s something to be said for that. And other creatives have remarked that art and fiction and the rest come from a place that feels erotic.

Is that how I’m rationalizing my sordid fictions?

Meh. Heh heh. Maybe.