undertow

By the tail end of yesterday, at first I was restless and bored, but still feeling very bogged down by fatigue (as I usually am). I suppose I could’ve pushed myself to get something care-task-y accomplished, but I didn’t.

Would it have helped if I had? Maybe. But I started to fall apart emotionally, feeling like I’m failing on the most fundamental level. Then, I started to experience some fortunately less-frequent (as of late) symptoms of my mental illness.

They’re being kind of an issue now. At the outer edge of my awareness.

I work today, but not until later. And it will be all after-hours repricing. So, not a lot of personal interaction. Which could be good.

One of the parts of my CPAP mask was conspicuously missing last night. I couldn’t fasten it, because I couldn’t find one of the magnetic clips that tightens the strap between the mask and my head.

I had stayed up a little late by that point and was too tired to really search all that diligently. So, I gave up, and slept without it. Rather groggy again today as a result.

Woke up and got out of bed only to discover I’d been laying on it.

At least I’ll have it for tonight.

Felt very much trapped within my mind at times, last night, and so freaking tired of the uphill battle of it all. Decided to distract myself with a movie, especially since the pause on my Disney+ just expired.

They offered me a deal on a premium bundle to add Hulu to the account rather than paying separately, that would save me over 40% a month. My Hulu is still paused. I wonder if you can pause if you bundle? I may look into the bundle after my next paycheck. And Netflix is paused again. I’ve been doing one month on, one month off, on that one.

Avatar: The Way of Water was finally free to watch.

When It started out, I was feeling very grumbly and like how am I possibly going to sit through three hours of military bros trying to strip a planet of resources and kill its indigenous culture, especially given our current geopolitical climate.

Again and again, I thought, “This movie has no business being three hours long.”

But eventually, I became invested.

I have some curious emotional associations with Avatar, because I watched it with an ex.

That may have even been the first time I saw it.

I know when he and I were first a thing, I had the OLD Netflix that actually sent you discs by mail. The first one we watched together was Batman Begins, which was a Netflix rental.

But Avatar… the romance subplot of that one I resonated with the tone of the relationship, somehow. Not that we were as healthy together as the characters were. Still, it has stuck with me.

There’s a lot to the sequel about family, too, that had me crying, thinking of kiddo.

I thought about him, too, especially once it had ended.

Still felt very down.

As I have said, given some of what happened, it isn’t a good thing to continue to romanticize that connection. Sometimes, however, it isn’t enough to remember I need to stick around for kiddo; she seems so far away and so independent; that line of reasoning, parental responsibility, can become more a sort of guilt than a positive motivating force.

I then think about when I learned he had died, and my resolve that at least one of us has to stick around, to remember us. The good alongside the bad.

Because even with EVERYTHING I told my friends, no one really lived it but the two of us.

Taking turns blocking each other, only to seek one another out all over again. Trying to break free, and failing, pulled back under, either deliberately by each other, or by something untameable, within.

It was intense, and wild, as my love usually is. Like a compulsion, or a force of nature. And the end of it unmade me. I came out the other side, a totally different person. Humbler, ultimately, but not all the changes were so positive.

The only other partner who came close to eliciting that much emotion out of me, we had the same kind of pattern, until finally, he quit. Odds are he wouldn’t have sought me out all over again anymore, but I blocked him, just in case, to remove the temptation to browse his socials, etc.

There was even a point last night as I lay in bed, having closed my eyes and settled into the vibe of how it had felt to be nestled against K (the one I’d watched Avatar with, the one who had died), that I swore I sensed him, when I opened my eyes and looked at the sheets, and the pillow.

Something about that shade of dusky blue of my t-shirt sheet bedding struck a chord, even if I typically would have associated him more with Earth tones.

Is it any wonder why I hesitate to date again?

I keep waiting for some sign that I am finally capable of something “healthy” or “normal.”

Long-distance bestie said maybe that shouldn’t be the goal. That maybe if I date “messy and wild,” that I should just try to make my peace with that, but not give it up altogether, if I don’t want to.

I guess it’s just scary, because breakups carry such massive mental health risks for me.

But at the same time, I haven’t felt that tug toward anyone, for a long time.

And is it worth it, without that?

I do have things I should try to get done before work.

Didn’t take the time to do Morning Pages before breakfast, since I was so tired once the alarm went off, even if I set it for pretty late into the morning. Thought it might not hurt to do some reflecting here, before anything else, failing that.

I guess this time around, I don’t have a neat conclusion to tie this all together.

Maybe just appreciate whoever you love, for as long as you can.

In spite of how much it hurt, there are times I still feel grateful that (as I had thought, and my bestie had pointed out), regardless of how little reciprocity he was capable of at the time, that he let me love him, with all my chaotic heart.

I won’t add anything about learning to let go of what isn’t meant for you, because that is definitely NOT one of my strong suits. Nor is handling rejection.

Be safe out there, wherever you are.