Magic and Loss

(The post title does, indeed, fit the content, overall, but it’s also the name of a Lou Reed album, for the curious).

Just going to check in quick then head off to bed.

Work ran a little longer than expected, but I knew going into repricing that there was a chance it could. I stayed until we finished. By then, it was just me and the store manager. But that’s okay. In some ways, I have more flexibility than some of my coworkers. One of them had a daughter to pick up, and the other one was only scheduled for an hour after store close, and had dinner plans with her family.

I really struggled with getting out the door today. It felt like I should have under different circumstances called and said I couldn’t do it. But I don’t do that. Expectations are a little different when you’re part of the management team, even if you have mental health issues.

I suppose I could work on being more transparent about that, with my boss. I know she wouldn’t mind. She does her best to look out for all of us, within reason, while also keeping the store running.

When I came in verrrry depressed one day, she could immediately tell something was wrong. At times, I can mask, but not always. And I wasn’t trying very hard. I guess I was past the point of caring. But my point is, that she asked what was wrong, and offered to always be available, if I ever just needed someone to listen.

Today, the other woman who stayed later with us asked about how my mom was doing, in reference to her stroke-like symptoms, that I had talked about the last time we’d had a chance to catch up. And our manager asked follow-up questions. So it’s not like they don’t care.

It’s just scary, letting people in, unless it’s in a very controlled and pseudo-anonymous environment, like social media, or this blog.

I picked up Chinese again on my way home, then cruised through Disney+ looking for something to watch. Landed on The Wizards of Waverly Place Movie. We used to watch the show. Kiddo and I. Don’t think we ever watched the movie? If we did, I didn’t remember the story.

My coworkers were talking about family and kids, and plans, and such. I felt so sad, and so left out. Having my daughter at a relatively young age seemed like a good thing, in some ways, that we would in theory have that much more time together. But it’s been isolating, as well.

Many of my peers still have their kids living with them. And I don’t really relate to that anymore. It’s a different vibe, once they’re out there in the world. Long ago, I had thought I would hit forty ready to start fresh and build a family all over again, or marry someone with kids. But by then, I was tapped out. No mas.

I hope she no longer feels like she was cheated out of a more stable home life with my parents. Honestly, I don’t know. My mom was awfully tough on her for a time, about homework, of all things. Yes, school is important, but not to the point of her crying and asking, “Why doesn’t Grandma love me?”

But I guess it’s easy to look back and gloss over some of that, and imagine “what if?”

I’m not sure if any of us could have given her that sort of stability.

They didn’t give it to me. I don’t think they knew how.

It’s just… now, she’s so far away, and there’s nothing I can do about anything that’s already happened, and no way to close the distance between us, apart from the occasional flight home. And that’s really, really hard.

I just wish it were different. I wish it was easier. I wish I could take her out for coffee, or to the movies, or to lunch or dinner. I’d be happy to bum around on their couch and pet their cat for a short while. Help her make something for dinner. Or bring something over for all of them.

Money sent through PayPal for restaurant food, and gifts ordered online, and mailed to her, seem poor substitutes for quality time.

There were times when I was teetering on a very dangerous edge mentally, when she’d said yes it would hurt if I was gone, but that she’d survive it, somehow. I’m not sure if that was the right or wrong thing to say. I suppose as blunt as it is, it’s nonetheless true.

When she was just a little bit older, however, she said something more along the lines of, “You’d better not ever die.” As flawed as I may be (as anyone is, but I guess I am tougher on myself about it than maybe I should be, remembering how difficult my mental health struggles were for her to witness, over the years, to say nothing of all the conflicts between me and my parents), she still appreciates me, is perhaps growing to appreciate me more.

It’s bittersweet. I would rather we were closer, geographically, even if (I think) we’re in a decent place with one another emotionally. I know she was really pleased that I didn’t fall apart so hard after the last time she visited and then went back home. It hit eventually, but maybe not as intensely as before.

She asked me once why I gave up on the idea of settling down, while she was growing up. I told her I had a therapist, my first regular therapist, actually, tell me that the idea of meeting someone to help me raise her was “just a fantasy.” And she said it so angrily and so authoritatively. I just bought into it, and stopped looking.

Kiddo said, “She shouldn’t have said that.”

But I can’t go back in time and build her a nuclear family. I suppose if I ever do settle down, she could end up with a stepparent, after the fact, or at least someone who might take an interest in her life, since she’s such a huge part of mine.

I just get so lonely. And sometimes, I feel so empty. I don’t know what I would do without a job that forces me to get out of here and talk to people. Not that I don’t enjoy socializing. I definitely do. But left to my own devices, I often hide.

I could use some more community time. Looking into writing classes. The ones offered free through the library are online only, but there is some kind of online discussion board involved. And it would be intellectual stimulation. AND I have always loved school, much much more than kiddo ever did.

There are different classes offered through a local art gallery that I’d have to pay for, but those would be in person. Might be a good outlet, and a good way to meet people with common interests.

Things to consider!

Such a vast, wide world, full of so many different types of people.

It’s a strange place to feel alone.

But I’m going to see what I can do to re-engage.

And sooner rather than later, I’ll get back to my characters. I miss them. I am rather proud that I added in some bits and pieces about Jared watching makeup tutorials etc with Haven, in bed, on his laptop, while they were waiting for Dorian to stop being distant and unavailable, and difficult.

I like that for them. That Jared would take the time to learn what a “waterline” was in relation to eyeliner, and that he’d later apply all that knowledge in his appreciation for the time and effort Haven takes with her appearance.

They’ve all become so real to me, far beyond the bounds of the source material that inspired them. It’ll be good to begin that again. When I can.

Much love. Good night.